If actors were like writers

This is how they’d get agents:

Dearest Prospective Agent,

Forsooth! I write this epistle to thy milky hand (thou art a maid, aye?), that I might win it and thee thereby to be mine agent. I see that thou doth represent mine colleague, Laurence Olivier, and thou must know that I am indeed a most convincing method actor. Thou mightest be able to tell from this letter that my true skill rests in Shakespearean tragedy.

I would be overjoyed to discuss my career. I call anon!

Archer Feathersboroughbottom

(In case you’re wondering, actors get agents by a.) agents seeing their work and contacting them, b.) referral from other actors to their agents, or c.) sending a photo and résumé to an agent, which does seem a bit more appropriate than a query letter.)

What do you think? How would you query an acting agent?

Photo by Hashim Talbot