Comments on: First page blogfest

By: Abby Annis

Abby Annis — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:48:46 +0000

Great tension! Hope you had a happy birthday!

By: Jordan

Jordan — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:30:49 +0000

He doesn’t actually see her until paragraph three. The target couple is who he sees in paragraph 1 (they would’ve already known if they were assigned to surveil his ex-girlfriend). The Molly in paragraph 3 is parallel to Xavier’s “your . . . Molly” (“she wasn’t ‘his’ anymore, but it was definitely Molly”). And the “buy himself more time” is a play on the previous phrase.

Oh, I missed Andrew’s statement that it’s a little light on setting. It is, but I’m trying to get to the point (and there was a length limit on this blogfest—oy). But stating they’re on a busy Chicago street wouldn’t take up too much room.

By: Trish

Trish — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 11:58:27 +0000

Uh? I wrote Paragraph 8, not a smiley wearing glasses. Oh, well, now I know how to make a smiled with glasses. LOL.

By: Trish

Trish — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 11:53:58 +0000

*Happy Birthday!*

I hope you had a great one, Jordan. You must be an Aries, like me. It’s my birthday in two days.

I love your first chapter. Sounds like a great read.

(Paragraph 1) Maybe add how he feels when he sees her. (Racing heart, lump in throat?)

(Paragraph 4) Maybe change the word ‘Molly’ to ‘her’.

(Paragraph Maybe change the second ‘buy’ to ‘give’.

I loved the hook at the end.

By: Jordan

Jordan — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 02:31:45 +0000

This would be a sequel, so I thought it was important to slip in just that one little sentence so as not to confuse people who’d read a book that ended with them getting together. Otherwise, totally. (And it might be possible to rewrite it as a standalone, in which case—great point!)

And yeah, I realized it was the wrong post when I started getting comments on that one. I added a little note, but indeed.