A while ago, I posted about a story department for writers, like that of a Hollywood movie studio. Basically, it’s a place where we can find help identifying weaknesses, brainstorming new ideas, making the jokes better, getting the story structure right and more.
How this works:
The lucky volunteer submits whatever s/he wants help with: this could be the seed of an idea if you’re in the brainstorming phase, a query-length blurb if you’re looking for more specific brainstorming help or stuck in between plot points, a synopsis if you want structural advice, or even a scene or passage if you can’t quite put your finger on what’s not working. For maximum effectiveness, a short list of what you’re looking for is helpful.
I post the material on the appointed day. Then we, the kind, thoughtful and helpful readers and writers around here, put our minds to work. Think about it all day and come back with an insightful idea, or post the first thing that pops into your head.
Of course, the volunteer author doesn’t have to use anything we toss out—but now s/he isn’t the only one having to think of ideas. And even if we don’t come up with something specific to help the volunteer, maybe something one of us says will spark another idea and the story will take off again, magically healed 😉 . (The volunteer is more than welcome to engage in a discussion, of course, but we probably don’t need a full explanation of just why our ideas won’t work.)
The story
Today, I’m the volunteer again. I’m looking for help with one of those “little ideas,” a scene-level fix.
The setup:
Our bad guy (whom we may call . . . “Tom”) is trying to induce our heroine (“Nina”) to come somewhere with him to save our hero (“Johnny,” Nina’s fiancé). Nina has known Tom for years—and knows him well enough not to trust him. But when Tom shows Nina Johnny’s prized watch (or something else) that he never parts with, she knows something is wrong. Nina allows Tom to drive her car, and they’re leaving the garage at her building when one of her neighbors gets suspicious. When the neighbor starts to call the police, Tom shoots and kills him.
What I’m looking for:
- A way to keep Nina in the car after the gun goes off. Nina knows better than to go driving off with an armed murderer. I think Tom needs to physically restrain her in the car somehow.
- I’m also open to suggestions on Johnny’s prized, personally identifiable possession (something he’d be able to function without).
- If it helps, I think it’s not crucial that they use Nina’s car. (However, the neighbor is more likely to think something weird is going on if Tom’s driving Nina’s car. On the other hand, if you can give a reason for the neighbor to attract Tom’s attention and ire from Tom’s car, I’m open to that)
Want to participate? Jump in the comments! Want to volunteer? Send your material—including what you’re looking for—to storydept at JordanMcCollum.com. I’ll contact you to work out a date.
I love the workshop idea! I may have throw my hat in at some point.
Thoughts on your scenario:
-There would need to be a big reason for Tom to be driving her car. She wouldn’t just let him, and I’d think he’d be more comfortable in his own anyway. But the neighbor could be suspicious if he sees HER with a strange man and she looks obviously distressed. She could even be trying to signal the neighbor, who approaches the car and asks questions or tries to help her or maybe even pull our his cell to call 911–and then gets offed.
-Nina would stay in the car if she’s certain that it’s the only way to get to Johnny and save him. Maybe Johnny’s in some super secret place that Tom’s car has access to (GPS? A security card? Hmm . . .) and SHE must do something to save him. (She has specific information for him/she is the only one who can do X to free him/etc). A time-bomb type situation would work. She has to get there to remove a threat to him, or he’ll die.
-Idea! The item Tom shows her could be 2 things–something to prove he’s got Johnny, and something else that proves he’s about to die unless she goes with him and does X. A photo? A video feed of him?
I don’t know enough of the story to give solid advice, but I’m having fun playing with ideas–which I guess is the point!
Please do throw your hat in! At your earliest convenience! I’d love to do this as often as weekly.
This is a rewrite on a scene I wrote a year ago, which didn’t quite work. The reason I was planning to have Tom give her is that he knows where the place is, but can’t navigate there (i.e. he only knows the place on sight and wouldn’t be able to give directions far enough in advance to act as navigator). (Which might take a long time to explain.)
I like the idea that Tom will need to give her access—much simpler, much easier to believe.
Oh, I remember why he didn’t drive his car—he doesn’t want to be seen/traced to the scene. Traffic cameras, etc. (Ooh, that gives me another idea for later in the story…) This is also a big reason why Tom kills neighborman: no witnesses.
I like the idea of having a photo or video feed of Johnny, but it’d have to be doctored (which may a possibility)—he’s not in danger.
The most basic reason Nina wouldn’t stay in the car with Tom after he kills a man in front of her is that the little trust she has in him is destroyed when he kills someone for no reason—she no longer believes him about Johnny, and now she knows he has a gun. But if he does have a photo, she might still believe him.
Awesome! Things to think about—exactly the point of the story department! Thanks so much, Annette!
More ideas, anyone?
Very new to the site, but I have a thought… Here goes:
Why does Nina need a reason other than a gun to her head to stay in the car? She saw Tom kill a man, wouldn’t she be pretty sure that he’d kill her if she tried to run? Her staying in the car and hoping that maybe she could escape later seems perfectly reasonable to me.
The watch, or whatever, would need to be something unique to Johnny. Maybe an old railroad pocket watch he was really proud of finding or a Mickey Mouse watch with a broken hand that swings around that he’s had since he was a kid. Maybe a large, flat piece of beach glass Johnny uses as a worry stone. The item should fit Johnny’s personality.
Well, like it says in the post, Nina knows better than to go off with an armed murderer. They’re at her apartment building—this is the best chance for escape she can depend on. If Tom’s willing to shoot her to keep her from getting away, he’ll be more than willing to kill her later after he’s taken her somewhere where he has all the advantages—and after he’s done with her.
That would be the definition of a “prized, personally identifiable possession” 😉 . Thanks for the ideas, and the comment!
So, I started to write a snarky reply, but after I hit a ninth paragraph and realized I wasn’t close to finishing, I thought better of it.
According to your run-down, Nina’s already in the car, so why not have Tom use a jumper cable? Everyone should have a jumper cable in their car. I don’t know how strong the clamps are, but even if the clamps aren’t all that strong, Nina having to struggle even a little to get out of them would give Tom plenty of time to threaten her to keep her in line.
As for Johnny’s object, I’m not comfortable giving you specific items. I could probably rattle off a list of twenty or so odd objects he might carry with him and why, but I don’t want to waste my time and yours by listing things that potentially clash with his personality. I don’t know if he’s geeky or sporty. Maybe he’s a romantic or sentimental about his family. Perhaps he loves his job or wants to turn his favorite hobby into a career someday. There are lots of unique objects in those six groups that could help reinforce Johnny’s character and his relationship with Nina, but since I know nothing about Johnny’s character and very little about their relationship I don’t think having me list specific items would help all that much.
And now I feel like a jerk, but I wanted to explain why I got bogged down and restated what you said.
Also, I like reading your blog very much. Your genre’s not my chosen genre to write or read in, but good writing advice is always good writing advice. Thanks.
Thank you so much for not being snarky back. I really appreciate it—truly. Don’t feel like a jerk! I was trying not to be snarky in my reply, but I don’t know if I got that to come across.
Ooh, jumper cables. Creative! I think I could even get them within reach. That might just be perfect…
I wanted to be open to any ideas, and ready to take or toss anything, just because nothing’s really jumping out at me. Those are great places to look. I’ll keep thinking about it.
Thanks for reading!