It’s a little hard to go on after teh best author bio EVAR, but this is way too tempting to pass up.

I learned a new word as I was writing this post: “Grandiloquent.” And that’s exactly the style of the real life author bio I shared on Monday. I just had to make up a biography of myself in the same style. It would go like this (with a little extra snark, of course):

Kind of like how some blessed few possess the combination of musical talents that launch them to rock superstardom, so some blessed few possess ALL of the genius for the literary arts—only, you know, in a single person. Praise be that Jordan McCollum is one of those chosen few. . . .

Life-altering truths, heart-pounding suspense and utter delight await the reader who . . . um, reads this thrilling novel. The book presents a timeless love story, a twist-packed mystery, thought-provoking parallels with vivid, seamless prose.

(Yeah, I’m not asking much of my future self, eh?)

Okay, I did skip a little of the bio, but the middle part is just too good to do all by myself. How would you shift this bombast from culinary to literary? Here’s your example (the ellipses are in the original):

Blessed with a rare combination of abilities . . . a super-sensitive palate which can uncannily detect the most subtle nuances of flavor and texture, a vivid and highly creative imagination, and perhaps most important, a love of good food which has grown from a hobby to a consuming passion, Yvonne Tarr is admirably equipped for the task at hand.

Photo by David’s digits

One of these days, I’m going to have to write a real author bio. You know, that will run on an “About the Author” page. In a published book.

But no matter how awesome I make that, somehow I think it will pale in comparison to this book. (This book is a perfect example of why I LOVE both buying cookbooks and shopping at thrift stores.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Just as some people have a rare ability at painting or music, so some lucky ones have a genius for the culinary arts, and happily Yvonne Young Tarr is one of those chosen few. Blessed with a rare combination of abilities . . . a super-sensitive palate which can uncannily detect the most subtle nuances of flavor and texture, a vivid and highly creative imagination, and perhaps most important, a love of good food which has grown from a hobby to a consuming passion, Yvonne Tarr is admirably equipped for the task at hand.

A confirmed, practical and creative gourmet — as happy users of her best-selling 10 Minute Gourmet Cookbook and 10 Minute Gourmet Diet Cookbook will attest — Yvonne Young Tarr is dedicated to the proposition that cooking can be a delicious experience, and in this, her third cookbook, she proves it!

Fame, good fortune, and gastronomic delight await the hostess who prepares these tested, failproof, irresistible desserts. The book presents simple and elaborate dessert recipes for little dinners, memorable lunches, and gala gatherings.

Former model, radio writer, and author (book and lyrics) of a delightful musical which graced off-Broadway several seasons past, Mrs. Tarr, mother of two young sons 13 and 17, is currently engaged in writing serious drama.

(Though I’ve tried [a little], I haven’t been able to determine how her serious drama panned out.)

The book is 101 desserts to make you famous (apparently the SHIFT key was stuck at the typesetter), and the cover is almost as good as the backliner:

The recipes include such exotic treats as carrot cake, cherry pudding and chocolate fondue. (Okay, I’m teasing a little—there are a lot of more exotic desserts in here that do actually sound pretty impressive and tasty.)

And because I know you’re wondering: it’s © 1970.

What’s the “best” author bio you’ve ever read?

In case you haven’t heard already (I heard it here), Amazon has unveiled a few new Kindles today, and they hit that all-important price point: under $99. And not just a little under: with special offers, there’s a $79 model.

Sort of. DO NOT BE DECEIVED by the “SPECIAL OFFERS.” They make it sound like it’s something you want. It’s advertising delivered to your Kindle. Your book is now a billboard. (Although they say they won’t interrupt the reading experience, and they’d better not.) You can decide if that’s something you want, but it’s definitely not something I want.

Probably the most important technological innovations to me are the Kindle Touch—a touch screen eReader—and the $200 (no special offers, I think) Kindle Fire. It’s a tablet (the color one in the slideshow). Yep, a tablet. Are we approaching the dream eReader that I was searching for last summer?

I was planning to hold out until my “ideal e-reader” became a reality. (In short, it would be a cross between a Kindle and an iPad, with a touchscreen that could be LCD or e-Ink as needed. Don’t look at me that way—I’m not a hardware person! I don’t know/care if that’s impossible!)

Oooor not. While it’s a heck of a lot less than most of its competition, this is still a regular old LCD tablet (though I’ve discovered I’m not alone in the wish for a screen that would switch between eInk and LCD. Still not a hardware person, but just thinking about it doesn’t sound feasible, unless the eInk screen were on top of the LCD screen and could be switched off, but I think that could lead to a lot of problems….).

I actually have last year’s Kindle (now the Kindle Keyboard without Special Offers—affiliate link, I get a small % of any purchase made through that link—amazingly, it’s still $139. Hm.) And if I had to do it again right now, I think I might actually go for the same thing.

Your mileage may definitely vary, but I LOVE physical keyboards—on smartphones (would that my phone were smart), on computers, and I assume on eReaders. I hate typing on touchscreen keyboards (again, YMMV, but I never have success with them and I’ve been touch typing for 15 years. Also, that’s from my experience with the iPad1, so I guess this could be different.). Oh, and advertising to me on my own personal device for possibly the rest of my life costs >$40. Sorry. I’m not that cheap. However, I do kind of like the idea of subsidizing a lifetime of reading to make it affordable for some people.

And Amazon’s new baseline model: a non-touch, keyboard-free Kindle, the smallest size ever, for $79 (it’s the silver one with one square button and four circular ones at the bottom in the pictures above). I’m guessing you’ll have to input text using the 5-way arrow button. Fuuuun. But good if you’re not a note taker (I really, really am one—especially when reading my own manuscripts).

What do you think? Do you have an e-Reader? Will you be buying a new one?

I first met Michelle Davidson Argyle on the Internet, probably first when she was a finalist in Nathan Bransford’s first paragraph contest. We met in person at a writers’ conference and later discovered we actually live very close to one another. So I was extra excited 1.) when she received a contract for her novel Monarch and 2.) when I got a free review copy of Monarch, which officially releases tomorrow. (Plus one copy to giveaway!)

Monarch is the story of Nick, a widowed former CIA operative whose past—as a spy and as a person—catches up to him. A drug lord whose organization Nick infiltrated comes after Nick’s shattered family, and the only place he and his daughters can be safe is in the secluded West Virginia B&B owned by Nick’s lost love. To save his family, Nick must find forgiveness from three of the most important women in his life. And, oh yeah, hunt down a South American drug lord.

The story follows two storylines: the present fight against the drug lord and Nick facing the problems in his personal life, and two years before when a corrupt CIA agent set Nick up while both were working undercover inside the drug lord’s organization. It’s a great balance of action, suspense, and emotional journeys for the characters, with beautiful language and symbolism woven throughout.

I purchased and read Michelle’s novella Cinders, and although the genre of Cinders is very different, I found some interesting parallels in the depth and exploration of the characters’ emotions—and in how much I pondered the book after I finished.

I really enjoyed the complexity of, as Michelle puts it, this character-driven thriller. And now you can, too! I have a free e-book copy (available in whatever format you need) of Monarch to giveaway!

To win: leave a comment on this post by 12 Noon MDT on 20 September 2011. For up to two additional entries: One entry for becoming a follower of this blog, and comment on this blog post to tell me about it and one entry for tweeting this post, and commenting on this blog post to tell me about it (with a link directly to your Tweet).

Just so we’re clear: each of these should be in its own comment!

What do you think? What elements would you want to see in a character-driven thriller?

Two years ago, I’d pretty much exhausted my local library of writing books that looked good, and I knew it was time to knuckle down and buy something. One of my favorite writing craft blogs often drew from two books: Stein On Writing by Sol Stein (which I absolutely cannot find in my house now :\ ) and Writing the Breakout Novel by Donald Maass. Both were great and well worth the money.

Then for Christmas, I asked for and received The Fire in Fiction on my Kindle, and Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook in paper. All of these books have challenged me as a writer, helping me to focus my stories better, deepen my characters, better ground my story in its setting, and more.

So I was very excited to accept a free copy of Maass’s latest, The Breakout Novelist.

The Breakout Novelist is a combination of some of the best material (albeit slightly abridged) from Maass’s first three books (the above two, plus The Career Novelist, which I downloaded as a free PDF from his site when it was posted there a while ago, but haven’t gotten around to yet).

Naturally, since the source material is good, the result is good. Probably my favorite feature is that all the exercises from the end of each chapter in the first two books have been compiled into two sections of 20+ pages. My other favorite: the book is a hardbound spiral, so it lays flat (I like to read while eating, so this is great!).

I think that it’s probably still good to read the full Writing the Breakout Novel and Fire in Fiction, but The Breakout Novelist is great to keep on hand as a refresher course for each book—and that’s how I’m going to use it. I’m also looking forward to Maass’s posts on writing beautifully at Writer Unboxed.

I received a copy of The Breakout Novelist free for review. However, publishing this review is my choice.