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Mechanics

Stealing Word Nerd Wednesday!

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I am absconding with Annette Lyon’s popular feature, Word Nerd Wednesday! Mwahaha! And to totally misappropriate it, I’m posting on a Friday!

I think you now understand how I write from my villains’ POVs.And speaking of characters, and keeping with our theme this month, I wanted to focus on two specific words that many people use interchangeably: sympathy and empathy. I realized that, while I sense a difference, I can’t really say for certain what it is. So I turned to some dictionaries.

Sympathy
From Merriam-Webster: a “relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other,” “mutual or parallel susceptibility.” Also, the “inclination to think or feel alike.” The American Heritage Dictionary, via Answers.com, agrees: “A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.”

Empathy
From Merriam-Webster again: the primary definition is “the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it.” The other meaning is “the action of understanding . . . and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” The American Heritage definitions reverse the order: “Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives” and “The attribution of one’s own feelings to an object.”

What’s the difference?
So let’s apply this to our characters. . . . Sympathy is an affinity between the character and the reader—when something happens to the character, the reader feels it. Or, to cut and paste one of the definitions again, it’s “the [readers’] act or power of sharing the feelings” of our characters.

Empathy, on the other hand, is the reader identifying with and understanding the character’s experiences and feelings, possibly to the level of vicariously experiencing them. Which, oddly enough, sounds very much like the same thing. However, Roget’s Thesaurus (via Thesaurus.com) gives an interesting distinction:

sympathy means the stimulation in a person of feelings that are similar in kind to those that affect another person; empathy means a mental or affective projection into the feelings or state of mind of another person

At the same time, it lists sympathy as a synonym for empathy and vice versa. So what is the difference? Let’s dig deeper: get out your etymology gear.

(Um, guys, what’s with the bee suits and the bug jars? I said etymology, not entomology. . . .)

Etymology
Sympathy and empathy aren’t just extremely similar concepts; they’re very similar words with similar roots. (This is a shout out to the great state of North Carolina, which required me to learn word roots my senior year of high school.)

  • em– is a Greek prefix that’s found in words like instill, imbue, endow and embed. As you can see from those examples, they all mean “in” in some way—to put in, to spread in, to place in, etc.
  • sym– is a Greek prefix found in words like symphony, symmetry, synesthesia and synecdoche (um . . . don’t worry about the definitions on those two 😉 ). Those examples aren’t the most transparent, but it means “with,” or “together.”
  • pathos is a Greek word meaning feelings—or suffering.

So empathy would be instilling the character’s suffering in the reader, while sympathy would be making the reader suffer with the character. Still sounds pretty similar, doesn’t it?

So, really, what’s the difference?
The bottom line: there really isn’t that big a difference between the definitions of empathy and sympathy. ‘Round these parts, I’ve used “sympathy” to denote the ultimate goal of “reader identification”—inducing the reader to feel what the character feels, and to understand those feelings deeply. “Empathy,” in this paradigm, would be one technique used to instill those feelings.

So happy Word Nerd Wednesday. On Friday. And here, instead of Annette’s blog. (And no, actually, I didn’t ask Annette’s permission. But now I ask her forgiveness. *bats eyelashes* Please? I did it as a favor when you said you were so busy you didn’t post WNW this week. And while this is no Ellis Island mythbusting, I hope that this is an acceptable offering.)

What do you think—is this a distinction without a difference? Or are their nuances in the commonly accepted connotations of “sympathy” and “empathy” that dictionaries fail to capture?

Photo by Steve Woods

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Technique

How to pile on the pain

This entry is part 4 of 11 in the series Creating sympathetic characters

One of the first techniques we master in creating sympathetic characters is knowing that characters have to have problems. And they have to be major problems—something that they’ll really struggle with, things that appear insurmountable.

The temptation, then, can be to take that to the extreme. If some suffering makes our characters sympathetic, doesn’t a lot of suffering make them even more sympathetic?

Not always. Sometimes, as they say, more is just more.

sad sackOne of the ways we try to show characters suffering to help build sympathy is through their backstory. We show them growing up, or use flashbacks and memories to show the injustices they’ve suffered. His father was always at work, his mother denied him jelly on his peanut butter sandwiches, his first girlfriend dumped him for a jerk, his first wife cheated on him, his boss doesn’t recognize his work, even his dog doesn’t appreciate him.

But this simply isn’t enough. In How to Write a Damn Good Novel, James N. Frey puts it strongly:

A character can be fully-rounded yet be too passive, too mamby-pamby. Characters who can’t act in the face of their dilemmas, who run away from conflict who retreat and suffer without struggling, are not useful to you [as a writer]. They are static, and most of them should die an untimely death before they ever appear in the pages of your novel and ruin everything. (6)

“A passive victim doesn’t struggle– just suffers,” as Alicia Rasley puts it. “Defeat isn’t sympathetic. It’s pathetic. . . . While we want to sympathize with the characters, we don’t want them to be victims so battered by past events that they don’t actually live in the present.”

So it’s not really just that our characters struggle—with past or present events. What really matters is how the characters react. They’re not indifferent to their struggles—they definitely need to feel the pain. But they’re also not self-pitying or whining about them—or, worst of all, passively dwelling on and submitting to them and even more injustice for no apparent reason. As Frey puts it:

Whenever a reader experiences profound empathy with a character, it is because the character is in the throes of intense inner conflict. A character may be in the most pathetic straits in the history of literature, but if he has no inner conflict, the only emotional response the writer can expect from the reader is pity. (36-37)

And pity is not our goal! Our characters have to show that inner strength that we’ve admired from the first. They have to be able to lift their heads after the wickedest defeat and say “I’ll never go hungry again!” (Or, you know, something original and pertinent to your story 😉 .)

At what point do you say too many struggles are just too much? Have you ever stopped reading a book because the hero/ine was too fixated with the past, or too passive, or just an all-around sad sack?

Photo by Margarit Ralev

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Reading

Fool Me Twice by Stephanie Black – Review

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Dear Stephanie Black,

Can I please be you?

Love, Jordan

Stephanie Black is awesome. She’s another wonderful author I got to meet at the LDStorymakers conference in April, and she was super nice (of course). When we were introducing ourselves, several other ladies at our table regaled me with stories of how wonderful Stephanie’s books were. Her latest novel, Fool Me Twice, was nominated for a Whitney Award in both Novel of the Year and Best Mystery/Suspense.

And let me tell you, after reading Fool Me Twice, it’s little wonder that it won Best Mystery/Suspense, despite stiff competition. The basic plot is that Megan’s identical twin sister, Kristen, convinces Megan to trade places for a share in an inheritance. But that’s just the beginning of the evil twin’s machinations—and even Kristen doesn’t know who’s ultimately pulling the strings, and how far her puppeteer will take them all.

I can’t praise it highly enough (without sounding ridiculous). I think the thing I liked the most about it was the in-depth view of each character’s motivation. In a mystery, you have so many characters that do things beyond the pale, or who do things that might seem stupid without a good, believable motivation. But Stephanie built each character’s motivation and story arc throughout the story so that even the most unwise decision (like running into the house of a woman who you think is a dangerous con) made sense for that character at that moment.

I also really enjoyed the complexity of the plot. (If you’ve ever read what I write, I err on the side of convoluted, so that’s what I love to read!) I loved how slowly each step was revealed—just enough for me to guess one more piece at a time, to see the next step—and one of my favorite hobbies is watching “murder shows” (Law & Order, The Closer, etc.) and guessing the murderer in the first quarter of the show. While the reader knows the bad guy from the beginning, the full extent of the evil plot is revealed . . . perfectly.

Sigh. It’s enough to give somebody an inferiority complex. 😉

I always point out one or two things that I thought could be stronger in a book, but . . . I’m really struggling here. The only thing I can come up with is that a minor character, Alex, is very flat. On the other hand, characterizing him more might have been just a little too much, crowding the book.

Stephanie’s next book, Methods to Madness, will be out in August—and I’ll beat a path to the nearest bookstore to pick up my copy as fast as my little tires will carry me. And if I can get her to consent to trade lives, woot! 😉

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Technique

Struggling characters, sympathetic characters

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This entry is part 3 of 11 in the series Creating sympathetic characters

While sympathetic characters must have strength, they need more than just moral or physical perfection to get us, the reader, on board. For readers to truly identify with them, all characters need to struggle. (I doubt I need to clarify this, but just in case: struggling with how incredibly awesome s/he is doesn’t count.)

These struggles can (and should) be tied to the plot—the character should work against the antagonist, whether a person or an impersonal force. The antagonist, especially at the beginning, should actually win sometimes. Why? Well, for one thing, we’re cultured to side with the underdog, the Cinderella story, the strong person who has been wronged. As editor/author Alicia Rasley points out, quite frankly, “We sympathize with struggle.”

So what kind of struggles should we give them? Like I mentioned, they should be facing some sort of antagonist—and possibly losing. In her article “Sympathy without Saintliness,” Alicia uses the example of the famous heroine Scarlett O’Hara:

shameWhether we like Scarlett O’Hara or not (and we probably don’t early in the book), we sympathize with her when her impassioned declaration to Ashley (and his wussy rejection of her) turns out to be overheard by, of all people, the arrogant Rhett Butler. The anguish… the embarrassment! We know just how she feels, and somehow we feel even more because our sympathy is unwilling, because we don’t WANT to identify with this snotty little flirt. And we don’t identify with her… that is, until something bad happens to her that we can actually imagine happening to us.

The key is– we have to know what it’s like, or be able to imagine what it’s like, to be in this situation.

But there’s more. The character has to squirm. The character has to be in difficulty. The character has to care.

However, the most sympathetic characters aren’t saints struggling solely against (obviously evil) external antagonists—they also have internal conflict. Some of the greatest, most compelling characters are those that struggle against some part of them that doesn’t want to do what we all know they should—for reasons we know and understand (it’s hard, it risks life and limb, etc.).

But, as Alicia says, “it’s the STRUGGLE that makes the difference.”

Amen!

What kind of struggles do you give your characters? How do your favorite literary characters struggle? What do you struggle with in creating sympathetic characters? 😉

Photo by Kat Jackson

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Publishing

Panel with Amy Jameson (agent) and Stacy Whitman (editor), LDStorymakers

Moderator: James Dashner
Stacy Whitman, editor—Most recently at Mirrorstone of Wizards of the Coast. She’s worked in lots of different places, and has a Master’s in Children’s lit—Children’s and YA especially fanstasy. Now she’s a freelance consulting editor with Tor.
Amy Jameson, agent with A + B Works—she represents Shannon Hale and Jessica Day George. She worked at Janklow & Nesbit Associates, then moved to Salt Lake and started an agency with her husband. She represents authors on the national market.

At the LTUE conference, the pendulum seemed to be swinging from fantasy back to scifi—have you seen this?

  • Stacy—I am looking for scifi. There are some really great books out there that are YA. How can we extrapolate the world we live in to the future?
  • Amy—We talked about this this very afternoon actually. Despite the recession: romance and scifi are selling well: escapism.
  • Stacy—It’s hard to say adult-wise, but with YA, that’s where it is. J. Westerfield, The Hunger Games, etc.
  • James—In middle grades, fantasy is still more popular.

For Amy—how do you coordinate with NY while living here?

  • Amy—The Internet. 10 years ago, this wouldn’t be possible. It used to be all about face time, long lunches with editors. But it’s a new day because we’re connected by email. I do get out to NY once a year. Also Publishers’ Marketplace.
  • Stacy—a lot of agents aren’t getting as much face time because publishing lunches are being cut back. Face time doesn’t matter as much these days.
  • James—Anyone who’s familiar with Jessica Day George can see that you can succeed outside of NY.

Does being an international author affect your chances with American publishing house?

  • Amy—depends on location and genre. [Questioner’s location: Canada] Oh, Canada’s not that far away. A very different market, but there’s a lot of interest in Canadian writers, and it’s a tight community. There are some nice awards for Canadian authors. A lot of crossover with US publishers anyway.
  • Stacy—There are sometimes troubles with “Well, if they’re in South Africa, how will they promote the book?” Special circumstance: Canadian and American co-authors. It can be tough, but it’s easier if you’re establishing your name.
  • James—Aren’t most books here sold North American rights? [Yes]
  • Amy—Canadian issues are often financial issues because of exchange rates. Technical stuff.

In the YA market, we’ve seen romance strong in the paranormal genre recently. Do you anticipate publishers looking for romance in other genres?

  • Amy—YA almost always has romance.
  • Stacy—Teenagers are all about love. They’re all about hormones. Lust, maybe, not love. Puppy love.
  • Amy—It doesn’t have to be that romance is the center of it (that’s not really appropriate in scifi anyway), but there has to be some element there.

Does the market now want more diversity (ethnicities) now?

  • Stacy—There should be. Our literature should reflect the reality of most of our cities. Not just racial—religious, cultural. So why not? Don’t make it forced, but make sure it’s appropriate. Personally, I’m looking for multicultural stories. Fantasy—largely western mythology with white characters. A lot of kids (black kids especially—they’ve told her they only get a month and it’s always about MLK). Be true to your characters and give them interesting lives—that’s what matters.
  • Amy—Especially in YA, there’s a real hunger for ethnically diverse characters. Look at the Newberries—traditionally a lot. Huge desire for Hispanic characters, too. It’s hard if you’re not from that background, there’s a learning curve and wondering if it’s genuine.
  • Stacy—There was a huge “Racefail” in Jan/Feb in adult fantasy in blogosphere. A lot of people of color who are authors or readers—I think it started because an author had a character end up in a racial slavery situation. It started conversation about how people of color are portrayed in adult fantasy.
  • James—I’m seeing that debated all over the place. Some people are saying, “Don’t just have a token black character,” but the other half says, “Why not? Why default to all white?”

How can we help promote our books and should we mention a willingness to do so in a query?

  • Amy—Being willing to promote your book should be the default! There are some helpful resources on blogs. Promoting it is absolutely your job.
  • Stacy—Your own promotion efforts within the first week, month of your book are huge. Start early. Have a blog (if you’re a blogger). Don’t if you don’t know how to communicate with people on the web. Become web savvy. Get to know who else is blogging out there. Become a part of the community.
  • Amy—Virtual school visits through Skype
  • Stacy—Hard to say whether signings are successful. Invite your friends so you can create buzz. Usually the bookstore’s not going to be doing a lot of promotion for a first-time author.
  • Amy—One of her authors set up his own tour. In the places where he knew people, that was successful. In the places where he didn’t, it was disheartening—maybe 2 people come through. Make your time pay off.
  • Stacy—Utah has a strong writers’ community. It welcomes books. So many kids here read. Look for how can you be involved in your community. Look at Shadow Mountain—start local buzz, wildfire spreads. Good example to take for your own books.

HP & Twilight as trendsetters—fairly clean. Why isn’t that in adult books?

  • Stacy—librarians like to put together “clean reads” lists, so there is a movement for that. As an editor, I focus on what is in the book, not what isn’t.
  • Amy—bear in mind who these people that are acquiring these books. Most of them are single women, 20s-30s in NYC area. Narrow vision of life—even in children’s books. They want to be cutting edge, different, extreme. Whereas clean-cut, beautiful stories about nice kids who are choosing the right doesn’t get media attention.

I’m writing a book in ancient southern Africa—having mostly black characters. Is that a problem if I’m not of that culture? I’ve included a lot of the myths and legends, but I’ve made up a lot of stuff, too—is that okay?

  • Amy—most people don’t know anything about it, and as long as you have your reasearch and are honest about what you’ve made up. It’s harder to do a contemporary story in a culture you’re not a part of.
  • Stacy—Naturally, there may be some cultural appropriation issues there. Also, I know for a fact that yours is fantasy, and in fantasy there’s more leeway with culture. It can be inspired by that culture without it necessarily “being” that culture. Ex: Shannon Hale’s Book of a Thousand Days was inspired by Ancient Mongolia.

Besides terrible writing, what’s the easiest way I can botch my chances with you?

  • Amy—Not standing out enough is the thing for me. They all start looking the same to me, so anything that stands out from the crowd. But you don’t want to be crazy, gimmicky.
  • Stacy—No pink paper—follow submission guidelines. Until the last year I was at Mirrorstone, we didn’t do picture books. It was in the guidelines 3x. 90% of the slush was picture books. One was a pretty good writer, so I personalized the rejection and invited her to submit if she does fantasy. She emailed back and said “I’m sorry, I don’t do fantasy.”
  • James—If an editor asks you to write about elephant poo, do it.

Could we get some more information on Stacy’s editing services?

  • Stacy—I do individual critiques for authors as well. I look at your first three chapters. But this is separate from Tor consulting. StacyLWhitman.com > Critiques. Submission packet for flat fee or full crits, but start with first three chapters to see if she can fit it into her schedule and if she’s the right editor to you. Caveat: there are so many free resources, especially for children’s books. Before you decide on getting a freelance editor, check out other resources (on her website and blog).

One piece of advice to aspiring editors?

  • Stacy—read a lot.
  • Amy—as you’re reading, especially new books, look at how the narrative is constructed. Start thinking like an editor: “If I were editing, how would I advise the author on character and plot?” Look for what’s working for you and not. There’s a good editing program at BYU.
  • Stacy—You have to be willing to follow the job, and probably live in NY.
  • Amy—There are great internships at major publishers. That’s how Kirk Shaw got his start. That’s a great thing on a résumé.
  • Stacy—Be willing to work for free or very little. Nobody goes into this for the money and there really isn’t any for many years.

Editors say they don’t want to be queried by email. But you’ve said it’s okay; is it?

  • Stacy—For me, it’s easier by email.
  • Amy—Depends. Younger people tend to be into email.
  • Stacy—I’m getting a Sony Reader soon—it makes it so much easier! Problem, though—you can get buried in the inbox. You have to figure out an organizational system so things don’t get forgotten.
  • Amy—For queries, it’s easy to keep track of them via email, but for manuscripts, it’s harder to ignore a big stack of paper.

What is Tor looking for in its new YA line?

  • Stacy—Their YA line has been around for 20 years. Starscape has been around for as long as Mirrorgate has. Kathleen Dougherty has been doing this for 20 years, but she sells into educational market first. Not as widely known from bookstore browsing. Right now: scifi, fantasy always a good thing, chapter books and young MG fun books—David Lubar My Rotten Life (Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie). Looking for something good, something that will break out. Little Brother by Cory Doctrow—Dystopic scifi YA. Personally, I don’t like dystopias unless they’re hopeful—kids making world better

Should we keep an eye on the market—what’s coming out in 6 months?

  • Amy—absolutely. What if someone else has sold what you’re writing? Subscribe to Publisher’s Lunch.
  • Stacy—Publisher’s Weekly has good email newsletters you can sign up for. You can get the news for what’s going on in that genre weekly, daily, etc. At Publishersmarketplace.com and publishersweekly.com. Find your niche of the blogosphere and follow blogs even if you don’t blog yourself.

Are either of you interested in children’s chapter books like Junie B. Jones or Amber Brown?

  • Stacy—Personally, no, I’m into fantasy.
  • Amy—Personally, I’m not, but there’s a real need for good chapter books.
  • Stacy—They are hard.
  • Amy—You’re limited vocabulary-wise, and it’s hard to write characters that speak to kids.
  • Stacy—Even if you’re good, you have to have shelf presence. Teachers love books they can give to transitional readers. It’s hard to get a foothold for a series, and there’s such a small margin, it’s hard to make financial sense unless it’s a series. But once you get a foothold, you have continual demand.

Would you recommend novelists spend time querying editors directly?

  • Stacy—some editors are okay with it. Meet the editor or read their blog so you know they’re a good match. Either way works if it works for you as an author. Agents can really help to pitch books.
  • Amy—it does happen. Jessica Day George met editor at conference, and that editor wanted to buy book when Jessica contacted me. It’s a great way to get an agent—eliminates so much work for agent, so you can concentrate on the book and the deal.

A lot of us here feel like we’re targeting two markets. LDS market—books go out of print fast. How do national agents feel about picking up a book that’s been published niche?

  • Amy—Even on the national market, they just can’t keep everything in print. It doesn’t make financial sense to physically store books. Books have about a year to make or break, and that book may be gone after then. [What size of book runs nationally?] Depends on category.
  • Stacy—I’ve heard people say most books don’t sell more than 5000 copies and then you have your break outs. Sometimes people are including self-published books in there, and that really skews the numbers. Transitioning from LDS to national also depends on content, wide appeal.
  • Amy—It’s hard to take a book because of prejudices and misunderstanding that’s out of print and take it national. If the LDS market has been tapped, it seems too late.

With respect to the national market and adult fiction, is there a benchmark on the “squeeze factor” that needs to be in novels?

  • Stacy—Editors won’t come to you and say, “This needs more sex.”
  • Amy—They might if it’s romance and Harlequin. Most editors won’t say “This isn’t trashy enough for our market.” In romance there’s a certain level of sex expected. [Depending on the publisher and the line—there are plenty of highly successful “sweet” romance authors like Debbie Macomber.]

About the conference: LDStorymakers is a writing contest geared to LDS writers. The conference covers both the niche, regional publishers that cater to the LDS market as well as national publishers.

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Uncategorized

Superior Scribbler Award

Over at Write Bravely, Stephanie, whom I was very happy to meet at the LDStorymakers conference in April, gave me a blog award!

Of course, as with every Bloggy Award, there are A Few Rules. They are, forthwith:

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.

Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I’m going to cheat just a little. Over the weekend, I had six people give feedback on my query. Many thanks to:
Heather Justesen
Nichole Giles
Ronda Gibb Hinrichsen
Rebekah Olsen
Christine Bryant and
Josh Perkey

Thanks so much, Stephanie! And of course, thanks to Heather, Nichole, Ronda, Rebekah, Christine and Josh for your input on my query letter!

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Technique

Strong characters, sympathetic characters

This entry is part 2 of 11 in the series Creating sympathetic characters

All characters must have some strength. I’m sure you know that doesn’t mean they have to be able to benchpress a Beemer. Instead, there has to be some strength of character, some inner resource, some poise—something to show us why we would want to sympathize with, or look up to, or just flat out BE this person.

Kindness to small children and animals isn’t enough—just about anybody but the absolute worst psych- or sociopath is nice to his mother and his babies. Saving orphans from a burning building isn’t going to be enough on its own, either.

Then what does count? Something indomitable within the character. What makes him get up in the morning? What is her ultimate goal in life? What does he do when his wife is in danger and all hope of saving her is lost? How does she react when someone comes between her and the man she loves? What does he do (or want to do) when his boss/his mother/the woman he loves says, “Take a hike”?

The answer isn’t going to be the same for every character—but how many of us really want to read about someone who would answer “nothing” to any one of those questions? While we do understand someone who struggles, someone with a sad past, someone facing a difficult choice, letting your character just roll over and take it is intensely frustrating to a reader (hello book-hurling!).

In short, when it comes to sympathetic characters, no sad sacks need apply.

One of the greatest types of strength is the courage to go on in the face of adversity. And every main character should be facing adversity. Next week, we’ll take a look at making our characters struggle.

What kind of strengths do you like to see in characters? What kind of strengths do you give your characters? What are your favorite characters’ strengths?

Photo credit: Andrea Hernandez

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Uncategorized

How to Write and Still be a Good Parent by Tristi Pinkston, LDStorymakers

Presented by Tristi Pinkston (blog)

The most important thing to keep in mind—as parents we have the divine right to receive divine inspiration about your family. If I make a suggestion that doesn’t fit within with your circumstance, you can be given ideas for how to make it all work.

Now, The Family: A Proclamation to the World came out in September 1994, and I had just been married a month previously. My husband and I used it as a template for what we wanted our family to be. Now, we’ve always been taught the traditional roles that father is to support family, mothers raise the family. The proclamation made this into not just “this is our goal” but “this is what we believe.”

When we make the decision to become wives and mothers, we know we’ve done the right thing. We know this choice will make us eternally happy, it has an eternal purpose. But then, we also start getting these ideas that since we’re a wife and mother we’ll never be anything else (because the world tells us motherhood is stupid. Mothers are schlumpy and worthless. [Oh. Man. I have a whole blog about rejecting the world’s view and finding fulfillment in motherhood. Don’t even get me started over here!]) We feel like we’re not making a contribution.

I put my writing aside when I got married because I believed I couldn’t be a good wife, a good mother and a writer. I was going to wait until my children were all grown up, and I was at peace with that because it was based on the Proclamation. But the little devil on my shoulder was saying: “Because you’re a mother, you shouldn’t have any other hobbies. You are a mother and that is so eternally important that you can never do anything else. If you take a single moment to yourself, you’re selfish and you’re bad.”

I hear “I want to be a writer, but I can’t ’cause I’m a mom” so often. You don’t have to put your dreams on hold just because you’re a parent.

I find it impossible to teach about writing without linking it to the spiritual because writing is spiritual. Creation of anything is a spiritual gift.

One of the missions of the church is to perfect the saints. How do we do that?

  • Exercising our talents—let’s not bury them, eh?
  • McConkie—each soul developed its talents as desired in first estate
  • Embracing our talents and learning to use them is part of our missions on Earth.
  • Some day we will be judged based on what we’ve done with the abilities the Lord has given us
  • We can reach out and touch the hearts and souls of people—Proclaim the Gospel (another mission of the church)
  • Hearts can be touched by arts in glorifying, edifying ways.
  • Moroni 10:8: Deny not the gifts of God. Gift of tongues doesn’t just mean speaking. Extends to written word—form of communication
  • Boyd K. Packer—b/c members with special gifts reach out with them, we learn some spiritual things very quickly
  • Our talents are for consecration, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t make money on it.
  • D&C 82:18: And all this for the benefit of the church of the living God, that every man may improve upon his talent, that every man may gain other talents, yea, even an hundred fold
  • Thomas S Monson: the Lord’s storehouse includes the time, talents, resources, etc.
  • See supplemental links on her blog
  • M. Russell Ballard: “Find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interest Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your live, and make ties for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even until your children.”

Personal struggles with motherhood—I love my children but it’s hard to be a mother [I hear ya!]. I was pondering this once when I had a clear image come to my mind: a puddle and a fountain. Both are sources of water, but they’re different. People walk through puddles and track the water out. Puddle gets smaller and smaller until it’s dry. A fountain has a core of strength in the center. The water shoots out, goes to a pool in the bottom, and is recycled. It’s constantly producing, not losing anything of itself from having given the water. As mothers, we need to be like fountains and not like puddles.

We need to feed ourselves the things that we need spiritually, socially, physically, etc., so that when people come to us seeking water, we’re not depleted. If we persist in being puddles, our effectiveness to Him is diminished.

Calls up Keith Fisher—talk to me about “Dad Guilt.”
You go to work—that is your divine responsibility. Providing for the family is tied to a man’s self-esteem.
Keith: Most men feel that what they do is who they are.
When you do something that may or may not make you money for the family, do you ever feel guilty about that? Do men take a writing hobby and feel as guilty about it as women??
Keith: Oh, of course, yeah. There are times when I should be on a Daddy Daughter date and I’m editing.
Just wanted to double check that this applies to the men, too.
Other guy, Randy: I came in here specifically because of that.

Men need to have the same sources of renewal as women do. While their stresses are different—stressing about providing for family—they need to understand it’s okay for them to do something for them, too. We need a personal space for ourselves so we can give our best to our families.

Keep your priorities straight: As you immerse yourself in your writing, you are going to want to stay immersed in your writing. Your children will need things—we must keep in mind that the family is the most important thing.

At the same time, there are boundaries we can establish with our families to show that we need a little time—true needs vs. things that can be put off till later. The Spirit will dictate which is which.

M. Russell Ballard:

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

At the same time, we have to balance this—I have seen good women become very focused on what they want to accomplish and they pull away from the Spirit. As Dallin H. Oaks said:

By the same token, a woman’s righteous and appropriate desires to grow, to develop and to magnify her talents—desires strongly reinforced by current feminist teachings—also have their extreme manifestations, which can lead to attempts to preempt priesthood leadership, to the advocacy of ideas out of harmony with Church doctrine, or even to the abandonment of family responsibilities.

Gordon B. Hinckley pleaded that we work at our responsibilities as parents as if everything in life counted on it. Because in fact, everything in life does count on it.

About a year ago, I sat down and analyze my mothering. I realized I was micromanaging everything. I thought I had to be in control or there would be no control. I was doing things for my kids that I didn’t need to (and vice versa). Transferring some of her responsibilities to her kids—laundry, dishes, other chores. (AND it’s okay if things aren’t done “right.”)

We have a lot of jobs as parents, but are these among them?

  • forget to educate ourselves as we educate them
  • forget to feed ourselves when we feed them
  • sacrifice health, sleep and sanity because we do this for them
  • make all their decisions for them
  • pour milk for our 10 year old

What to do!

[Can you tell I’m excited to see practical application?]
First thing we’re going to do:
Sit down and think about our kids. What are we doing for them that they could be doing for themselves? What do we need to do for them that maybe we’re not?

I asked my kids: “What do you need from me?” Every single response had to do with taking time for them. I realized I hadn’t been emotionally giving of myself to my children. I had to take down my emotional wall and become vulnerable—but you can’t have those walls with your kids. Must be emotionally available.

Second thing: take a daily schedule and chart out time they’re otherwise occupied that week: school, nap, playdate, fave show. 15 min chunks. You can have your kids watch shows of value that you can let your children watch for certain times of the day without guilt.

Think about your time—get up earlier? Stay up later? (her time is 10 PM – 2 AM). Candace E. Salima gets up at 4 AM to write. Sometimes we can do with a little less sleep. If you hold down full time jobs, sometimes that’s our only writing time.

Don’t feel guilty if you can’t get everything done that you want to. Your house doesn’t have to sparkle. Your family doesn’t care what dinner as as long as it’s hot. I advocate make-ahead freezer meals.

Rearrange the furniture so your computer is in the flow of traffic—this prevent fights. Learn how to write with chaos. Be accessible to your children so they don’t feel neglected.

Get Ziploc containers with snap-on lids. Every other day, fill them with snacks, and stack them in fridge. Get sippies and fill them with water. Make a whole loaf of sandwiches and put them in the bread bag. Your child comes to you during your writing time—you say, “You can have one of your SPECIAL snack bowls!” Put it on his level, in containers he can open and access.

Older kids can help younger kids, too. Kids feel validated and get what they need.

If you’re not writing, but in a quiet time (driving, standing in line, etc.), use it to think of the next time you’ll write. Think through your next scene, plot (this happened with her new release, Agent in Old Lace [read my review!]).

Find ways to work writing into her life. As you think about this, you will be given ideas for how to work them into your own system. You will be given strength in your own parenting. As you keep the family as your priority, your time with them will improve. Your experiences will improve. But don’t turn your back on your writing. There are some people for whom this is not their time and their season, but the fact that you’re here [at the conference] says that your time is now. Heavenly Father knows us and has our interests and our children’s interests at heart. As we go to Him for help, you will have ideas flow into your mind—organizational ideas she’s had.

You are a steward over these spirits, but also over yourself.

About the conference: LDStorymakers is a writing contest geared to LDS writers. The conference covers both the niche, regional publishers that cater to the LDS market as well as national publishers.

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