Another time I’ll probably talk about how fiction needs to be like real life, and yet not. It’s fascinating, really, but it’s not what’s on my mind right now.
Sometimes real life gets in the way of writing fiction—and by real life I mean my real life. I always think of the time my cousin broke up with the girl he’d wanted to marry. He came over to my house and we talked about it. At the back of 
my mind, I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. Writing romantic suspense at the time, I spent so much time making up imaginary people with imaginary problems and imaginary heartache, and suddenly it almost felt like I was mocking the real pain that people endure in life and love.
Recently this has hit home again as a member of my extended family passed away very suddenly, leaving his wife and six children. It’s very hard to bring yourself to solve an imaginary murder when you’re dealing with the real death of a loved one—especially an accidental death that has left us with a lot of questions, and we won’t get a neat little tied-with-a-bow, with-justice-for-all ending.
Obviously, during difficult times, it’s definitely okay to give yourself a break from writing. I’m not one of those “1000 words every single day” types anyway. But despite all that, I sometimes feel guilty for not writing. I feel like writing would help me work through these things, but mostly the things I think about writing are waaay too close to reality, and I don’t think I’m ready for that.
Do you jump in and write the emotional while your feelings are still raw? Or do your own emotions and experiences get in the way too much?
First, I’m so sorry to hear about your extended family. Those poor children.
I’m not one of those ‘1000 words a day’ writers either, but I do find that writing my thoughts down helps. I usually just write whatever comes to mind, and then after my ‘mind dump’ I throw away or delete it.
But I think in a way its good to see what the words and the story looks like at times when you’re actually feeling those emotions. That way when its time to put it into a fictional setting, you can bring those back.
That’s a great idea, Kelley! And thanks for your sympathies.
My condolences to the surviving wife and children, as well. The scenario you described is the stuff nightmares are made from.
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There’s an old saying that art imitates life, although in this age of extreme fans and paparazzi, it sometimes seems the opposite is true.
I don’t think you should ever feel guilty about trying to express the real pain that people experience in life and love. It’s not mocking; it’s honoring. Yes, your characters are imaginary, but their emotions, and often their situations, are based on reality. The more real they feel to the reader, the better. The more real they feel to *you*, the better you will write them.
I agree with Kelley that there’s value to writing while you are still feeling strong emotions. Like she said, it brings authenticity to your fictional writing later on. But I think it helps to keep that kind of writing around for later inspiration (even if the experience is painful), rather than discard it. Many authors keep journals for that very reason.
Writing the emotional when I’m in the state myself works well for me. It really puts me in the moment. I use for release. I may be writing the characters, but my feelings are for my own situation. It’s hard to write something dismal or sad, when I’m feeling particularly chipper.
However, “it almost felt like I was mocking the real pain that people endure in life and love.” Yikes! That comment gave me pause. Yet as I reflected upon it, I realized that I’m not mocking but rather trying to capture and give credit to it. I’ve experienced some pretty unhappy things first hand, so I guess if I’m mocking anyone’s pain, it’d be my own. But that’s not what I’m doing to it.
Once again, I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s loss.
I agree with everybody’s comments. It gives your pain an outlet, and validates the characters at the same time.
I lost a child, and it’s hurts too much to think about much less write about, but there might be a time (in the distant future) when I can tolerate the pain, in order to give a character that experience for her to work through. The goal will definitely be to overcome the experience–but I’m not ready to take on that now. You be the judge and decide will rehashing the experience help or hinder?
For weeks after loosing the baby, I was unable to write because the main character’s relationship with her dad, was based on how I always envisioned my husband’s with a daughter we will never have. I came around to writing again, because I love it so much and found a strange source of comfort in doing so. I was rereading a scene (I had written months prior to my loss) for Ashten, a M.C., when she was going through a horrific trial. I made her a stronger person than I am, and the coping mechanisms she used helped me. When she thought to herself “I’ll deal with this later, I am stronger than it now.” I found I could cope with the loss so much easier.
I also made Ashten the type of person who is always counting her blessings–that’s helped too. There have been a few times when I absurdly feel like I’m channeling that character–she may be who I’d like to be, but I am not her, so focusing on her areas of strength has really helped me to be a stronger person.
My advice then is, if it hurts, deal with it later when the pain is not so raw. If giving a character a voice for your pain makes you feel better, do it. If it makes the characters feel more real because of the authenticity of the emotion, I think you have achieved a goal others who suffer the same trauma could be drawn to, and benefit from. Since I am all about a happy ending, I’d use the pain characters go through to give your readers something to help with their pain.
If you have to go through it, why not use it to help others?