Debunking a Myth: Avoid the verb “to be.”

By Janga

Avoid the verb “to be.”

Too often I see that command given as well-intentioned advice to some writer who takes the advice literally and begins revising her prose with the goal of eliminating every pesky is/are/was/were from her prose. I’m fairly certain that the advice giver intends to caution the writer against overuse of the verb “to be” and verbs of passive voice, but the warning lacks clarity. A surprising number of people fail to distinguish between “to be” as a state-of-being verb (Jenny is happy) and “to be” as an auxiliary verb used to turn active voice verbs (Jeremy kissed Jenny) into passive voice (Jenny was kissed by Jeremy).

I take every opportunity to make the distinction and to sound the alarm: “to be” is not the writer’s enemy. Yes, even a quick read of many manuscripts reveals that the author has used “to be” excessively, resulting in passages of heavy, dull prose. Few of us who read contest entries have been spared the awkward, confusing sentences created by passive voice. But linking verbs and passive voice are tools the writer needs. Both have their uses. I’d hate to have a character ask “What name do you claim?” rather than “Who are you?”

Take a look at the following passage from Julia Ross’s historical romance The Seduction:

His hair was tied neatly at the back of his neck, but it rippled at the temples where a more elaborate style had been brushed out. The blond waves framed skin with the fashionable pallor of London, enhanced by a small patch high on one cheekbone. Arrogance was reflected in every line of his body, enhanced, not hidden, by the full-skirted riding coat, the tall boots, the fall of white linen at his throat.

A town gentleman, dressed for the country.

His moment of surprised admiration had been masked quickly enough, but it had been there. She had suffered from it all her life. It was the way men always looked at her, as if she were fruit, and ripe, and ready for plucking. Even after she suppressed her moment of panic, it still filled her with fury.

Ross uses four passive voice verbs (“was tied,” “had been brushed out,” “was reflected,” and “had been masked”) and three linking verbs (“had been,” “was,” and “were”) in this brief selection. We can rewrite Ross’s sentences to eliminate the “problem” verbs.

Someone had tied his hair neatly at the back of his neck, but it rippled at the temples where a more elaborate style had been brushed out. The blond waves framed skin with the fashionable pallor of London, enhanced by a small patch high on one cheekbone. Every line of his body reflected arrogance, enhanced, not hidden, by the full-skirted riding coat, the tall boots, the fall of white linen at his throat.

A town gentleman, dressed for the country.

He had masked his moment of surprised admiration quickly enough, but she had seen it there. She had suffered from it all her life. Men always looked at her that way, looked at her like fruit, and ripe, and ready for plucking. Even after she suppressed her moment of panic, it still filled her with fury.

But look at what is lost in the change. First, the rhythm of the prose changes, as does the voice. Moreover, meaning is altered in subtle ways. Does the reader care who ties his hair? I don’t think so, but there is “someone” in a position of strong emphasis. The arrogance of the character is key, but the revision buries the quality in the sentence. And the force of the heroine’s being the object of male gazes is muted in the rewrite.

Ross is a gifted stylist, and she knows how to use action verbs when she needs them. Note this passage from the same chapter as the first selection—every verb but one expresses action:

Her fingers felt clumsy and heavy as she unbuttoned the front of his waistcoat, then opened his shirt at the neck. The strong skin of his throat gleamed smooth and white in the mottled light. She noticed the perfect shape of his jaw at the strangely vulnerable junction where it curved up into his ear and felt a small surge of discomfort, as if she were a young farm girl winked at by a gentleman.

Try this exercise with a writer whose style you admire. My guess is that you will discover the writer uses her full arsenal of verbs.

About the author
Janga started reading her mother’s romance novels the summer she turned ten and has continued to be an avid reader of romance. Even a Ph. D. in English and years in academia were not enough to diminish her love of the genre. The enthusiasm of aspiring romance writers on the Eloisa James bulletin board refired her dream of writing a romance novel. She is in the process of revising her first mss, The Long Way Home, a contemporary with a Southern accent. She blogs at Romance Vagabonds and Just Janga.

The Road to Publication: Your novel from first draft to contract, LDStorymakers

Presented by Heather B. Moore (blog)

Study the market
Look at what publishers are buying today, not just what’s on the shelves now—Publishers Marketplace announces deals, see what your friends are selling.

On the other hand, don’t write to a trend unless it’s your natural interest. [Plus you have to take into account the timeline here—by the time you finish a book, the market may well have moved on!]

Write, write, write
Hooks & Story Arc—there are four types of hooks:

  1. 1st sentence/paragraph/page—why you start the book
  2. Chapter hook—why you read the next chapter
  3. Story arc—why you are reading to the end of the book
    • Can also lead into series hook!
  4. Pitch—in query letter, why the agent will start reading your sample chapters

Keeping a writer’s schedule
As a writer, you’re always writing or revising something. Heather posted her publication timelines, past, present and future, on Writing on the Wall. Her first book was 27 months from “Chapter One” to holding it in her hands.

You have to keep working on your next project! Establish a writing schedule with daily goals: time, word count, etc. When making your goals, look at when you want to submit the book, the time it takes you to generate ideas and write, etc.

Once you’re done with the book
Do your homework when researching agents and publishers. See PublishersMarketplace (look at recent deals), AgentQuery, Preditors & Editors and Writer Beware.

With her first offer, she was about to sign the contract, but took time to email a few other authors to see how they liked them—the next day, she received 3 negative emails!

Check out authors/client list (if they don’t have one on their site and they’ve asked you for a full, ask for a client list). Follow submission guidelines!!

Steer clear of reading fees.

Platform, platform, platform
Christina Katz, Writer’s Digest May/June 2009 article

The well-known writer has influence. In order for you to build influence, you need to create and launch a platform that communicates your expertise, credibility and integrity to others quickly and concisely.

Ideas:

  • Give public speaking on your research, offer to bring treats, approach book groups, libraries, etc.
  • What are you the expert in?
  • How are you different?
  • Establish a relationship with your readers
  • Join professional groups
  • Volunteer
  • Speak for free
  • Platform: You are a writer
  • Learn to teach (ex: Scott Savage teaching creative writing class through community)
  • Be sociable
  • Create a one-sentence pitch
  • Maybe a 3 sent pitch for people who are more interested

Marketing timeline
6 months before the book comes out: get endorsements—blurbs on book and your website (even before book comes out)

3 months before: line up reviewers—newspapers and blogs (for the national market: 4-6 months out)

1-2 months before: schedule events and book signings
Have marketing materials prepared in advance: bookmarks, fliers, etc.

The big day: Book release: get books to remaining reviewers (some don’t want ARCs), book launch at bookstore, create a press release/news item—can be included in writer friends’ newsletters, book signings—talk to store owners.

About the conference: LDStorymakers is a writing contest geared to LDS writers. The conference covers both the niche, regional publishers that cater to the LDS market as well as national publishers.

To split or to boldly split!

I’ve been pretty bold in our verb series so far, so I won’t stop today. Legend has it that this is a sin against good grammar:

To boldly go where no man has gone before

I know—can you believe it?! They put a modifier between the “to” and the verb in the infinitive form. I know we’ve all committed this venial sin at least once. (Come on, raise your hands—there’s no shame here.)

Good news: I absolve you. Because there’s no such thing as a split infinitive.

I know, right now you’re sputtering in disbelief: “But—but—but my crit partner/mother/English teacher/editor said…”

Your crit partner/mother/English teacher/editor is a lovely person, I’m sure. I’m also quite certain that s/he has a firm grasp upon most of the finer points of the English language, syntax, grammar, etc. In fact, that’s probably why s/he repeated this notorious lie to you.

But the truth of the matter is that split infinitives are not wrong in English. The split infinitive rule, like the “don’t end a sentence in a preposition” rule, is made up.

GASP

Yeah, most of the rules of grammar are made up. They were codified by someone who wrote a book. (My rant on why writing a book doesn’t make you an authority on writing will have to wait for another day 😉 .) The “don’t split infinitives” rule was first written in 1834. In fact, in Middle English, infinitives were split all the time.

Granted, sometimes split infinitives are awkward. If that’s the case, avoid, avoid, avoid! But if it’s more natural to split the infinitive, ignore anyone who cites this pedantic rule.

I’ll be honest: I don’t mind grammatical pedantry over some issues: the subjunctive mood, for example. However, I’m opposed to most grammar rules like the split infinitive rule because they’re artificial and awkward (and not just a little because I have a degree in Linguistics, where we’re not allowed to use rules to prescribe how you should construct language, but to describe how people actually use it).

Join the ranks of John Donne, Benjamin Franklin, William Wordsworth, Abraham Lincoln, Henry James, and Willa Cather and defy this rule. If people can still understand the meaning of your sentence and splitting the infinitive and ending in a preposition are the best way to go, do it! I give you permission. Heck, I’ll even write your editor a note 😉 .

Animus and animacy

One of my favorite “nongrammatical” sentences from my Linguistics textbooks was:

*My theory rolled down the hill.

(The asterisk denotes it’s nongrammatical.)

Nope, that’s not just nonsensical, it’s nongrammatical. Why? A little thing I like to call “animacy mismatch.” Theories can take verbs (oh, look, it just did):

My theory is awesomer than yours.
My theory explains everything that has ever happened.
Your theory disappoints me.

So why can’t theories roll down hills? Because rolling requires a certain amount of “animacy”—being alive/moving/changing as opposed to being . . . well, inanimate.

Animacy mismatches extend to other grammatical areas. You can have an animacy mismatch with an object (“He thinks the book” as an attempt at a complete sentence.), or a wh-question word (“What thinks the book is stupid?”—”What” questions are answered with objects; “who” questions are answered with people. Does an object or a person think the book is stupid?).

Sometimes, however, animacy mismatches aren’t as clear as theories rolling down hills. Anything strike you as funny about these examples?

  • Jerrica is a glut of information.
  • The pie, which was only $7.99 full price, so $6.29 didn’t seem like a great deal, ran the sale.
  • The stench of week old garbage brushed her nostrils.
  • Her euphoria ebbed.

To me, these examples sound a little off. Can a stench brush (if so, that’s one powerful smell!)? Have you ever seen a pie run anything? They might be okay—animacy can be a slippery thing. Can “a feeling of well being” really “fall back or fall away”? Maybe, if you’re writing in a somewhat literary register (even then, unless you’re already using liquid words to describe emotions [“elation flooded her heart”] it’s still a bit of a stretch—you might want to go with a verb requiring a little less animacy, such as fade).

In our search for the right word, sometimes we have to get a little creative. And of course, the style we’re writing in (genre vs. literary fiction, Shakespearean iambic pentameter vs. prose) can play a big role in what is acceptable. But if ever you’ve been wondering how Jerrica turned into a collective noun, now you know why!

What “animacy mismatches” have you found, in your own work or in others’ (I swear someone is putting mistakes in my writing 😉 )? What phrases just never seem right to you?

Mystery/Thriller Panel, LDStorymakers

Mystery/Thriller Panel

Moderator: Kerry Blair
Panelists:
JoAnn Arnold, Josi S. Kilpack (Josi’s blog), Julie Coulter Bellon, Liz Adair and Stephanie Black (she blogs V Formation; Stephanie, Kerry and Julie all blog at Six LDS Writers and a Frog.)

Our esteemed panelists also have expertise in romance, historical, nonfiction. Plus, I’ve gotten to talk to Kerry, Julie and Stephanie, and they’re all really nice, wonderful people!

Note: This was one of the first sessions after many of the attendees received their critiqued contest entries back from the conference first chapter contest, so many of the questions here focus on that.

“My book isn’t a thriller”—It’s about a girl who feels guilty for initiating her mother’s death. On my chapter critiques, some loved the cliffhanger—not knowing if she’d actually killed her mom—others couldn’t connect to her because they didn’t know that—How soon do you reveal your major plot points?

  • Josi—Are the judges divided? (Yes.) Is the book finished? (No.) Keep writing it and see if your attitude changes. First chapters are notorious for being rewritten.
  • Julie—It is important to connect with your readers and hook them on the first chapter. Make sure your characters can connect with your reader.

I’m writing a romantic suspense novel—my chapter critiques indicate there are some lulls in the action, and I’m having a hard time because the “lulls” are the romances—don’t want a bomb to go off every chapter. How do you even that out, creating tension with romance and suspense?

  • Julie—(Dubbed the romantic suspense expert) That’s hard for her because she loves the action—it’s hard to find a balance so your reader can catch their breath for just a second. Don’t leave your characters just sitting around mooning at each other. On the other hand, it’s tricky to build a relationship while the bombs are going off.
  • Liz—Even the romance needs to forward the plot. Don’t have romance just for romance’s sake.
  • JoAnn—I don’t write romance thrillers, but I write thrillers with a little romance—the romance gives you a break, but you don’t take away from the thriller. Let it have its place in the book.

I have a romance thriller submission for first chapter contest. Some reviewers loved the fact that it was a thriller. One outlier loved that it was a romance, but they were ticked off they didn’t know all the answers. How do you indicate genre/hook in first chapter?

  • Stephanie—Look for the genre you want to place it. In first chapter, lean more on how you see this being. Mingle romance and danger and choose how you’ll market this.
  • Josi—Rmember when your book is being sold, it’s going to have a cover, back copy cover, etc. First chapter has to have movement, action, something happening. You have to set up expectations and give readers what they think they’re getting.

When you’re getting different opinions from reviewers?

  • Liz—complete the book, be true to the book, and then take it into account. What’s important is that they want to read on after the first chapter.
  • Josi—She’s going to disagree. You know your story and style and direction best, but be open minded. Weigh out the feedback to try to understand it. Don’t try to meet all their expectations, but give each a fair shake. You could learn something from that feedback. Even if they don’t agree, don’t discount them—or your opportunity to learn from them.
  • Kerry—Julie just went through a crazy crit experience—
  • Julie—As someone who looked over all those evaluations, I thought they were an incredibly valuable resource. The judges were editors, authors and other professionals. The feedback is amazing. I hope you take it in the spirit it was given. Kerry’s talking about my manuscript I submitted to Covenant. I got my reader comments and some of them, I was like “Did they even read the book?” [I wonder that a lot on those off-the-wall crits!] One said there was too much LDS in the book, another said not enough. I asked my editor what to do, and we went through it together. You have to take into consideration where your book is going, what you want to portray and project.
  • Stephanie—Ultimately, evaluate the feedback and step back from it a little bit. I have to brace myself when I read evaluations. You do get widely varied responses—one says the characters are wonderful, one says they’re cardboard. Sometimes I’ve found the feedback that hurts the most can help the most too. Ex: someone went on and on about how Stephanie was wordy, so she went back and looked at the scene this person used as an example and she was able to cut 800 words from the scene without changing anything.

If you think of your fave book or the most well-received book you’ve done—did you come up with a hook and write a story to it, or did you write the story and come up with the hook?

  • JoAnn—I write from the imagination. My hook may be somewhere else at the time and I have to go back and find it. I start with an idea and then I introduce my characters, and I ask them where they want to go. My story make take a whole different path than what I’d planned. Don’t ever force it or make it stick—this is how it’s got to be no matter what? How much can you put in a first chapter? You have to be careful. Let your story take its path and you may find your hook later.
  • Liz—My first few books that I wrote, I didn’t know that I had to have a hook. I had one but I didn’t know I was putting it in—there was no decision.
  • Josi—Same. In my most recent book, Lemon Tart, it came about because of a writing contest. Jeff Savage—Murder mystery with food and the hook has to be a death happening offstage. Took second in contest, but it worked out okay. (Kerry adds that Lemon Tart has been the #1 best seller on DB list for weeks now).
  • Stephanie—ideas come in different ways. My first book came from a short story she started in high school. She highly recommends Jack Bickham (same as Josi—3The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes, and Scene & Structure) Learn how to shape a compelling story—chapter structure, scene goals, what characters want. Each chapter should have an end hook. With my last couple, I just brainstormed about characters and their goals and their obstacles and the story grows out of that conflict.
  • Julie—I don’t know if you can focus so much on a hook, though. I think you just have to have a well-written beginning. In the editing process, things get changed around—the beginning you start with might not be the one you get published.

Define the difference between mystery and thriller. Are they shelved together?

  • Josi—
    • Mystery: driven by curiosity, want to know what happens next. Death (may be less frequently that serious if it’s YA) OR big crime takes place off stage, the rest of the book is figuring out whodunnit. One point of view. Reader knows about as much as the main character does.
    • Suspense: whatever the crime/hook/conflict is happens onscene. Typically the reader knows a little more than the main character, so we know what kind of danger they’re facing. May get POV from bad guys. Motivated to keep reading by fear, anxiety, worry.
    • Thriller: Suspense novel that if it were a movie, it would be big budget—higher stakes: the world. The FBI infiltrated by terrorists, big ramifications. Exploding cars, buildings falling, etc. More intense action.

This was my question! What kind of mysteries are you selling right now or have you sold recently (romance, cozies, police procedurals, etc.)?

  • Josi—culinary cozy, includes recipes
      Sidebar—what’s a cozy?

    • Josi—cozy: cats and food, LOL. Basically, means it happens in one place, people in a little house, amateur sleuth, small cast, small-scale ramifications, driven by curiosity, not a lot of thrills, not keep you up—Murder She Wrote)
    • Stephanie—also, no intense violence, warm and fuzzies.
  • Stephanie—Recently sold contemporary suspense comparable to Mary Higgins Clark. Female protagonist trying to do the right thing
  • Julie—”romantic thriller.” About French agent in Paris who has found out a plot to poison water going to troops in Iraq.
  • Liz—romance “intrigue.” Heavy on romantic content, but puzzle/mystery to solve, a little bit of danger
  • JoAnn—Patriotic mystery a year ago—fascinated with Constitution and Declaration [I was an American Heritage TA; don’t even get me started on this topic!]. Way back when they had watchers to protect the constitution. Her story, today is these people are watching still.

Back to the very first question: Some readers thought a secondary character, an FBI agent, was falling in love with the main character in first chapter, but it wasn’t something she intended. What happens if a subplot appears?

  • JoAnn—When she was writing Journey of the Promise, the main character started as a grandma, but by chapter 3, she wanted to be 21. The grandmotherly subplots went away, but because she changed the main character, other characters began to approach her
  • Stephanie—My outlines are really broad. I have to know basic idea of story direction, but I don’t know the specifics of the story until I write it. My first drafts are a hideous mess because I change my mind mid-book. I make myself notes at the top of my MS on things I need to change. By the end, I know what I want the story to be and I do a lot of rewriting. Some of my best ideas come as I’m writing. These connections occur to you, etc. With your FBI guy, could this add some complications to the story? Or tweak chapter one 1—could this make my story better? Can I use this?
  • Julie—I’d definitely look at that to see if it adds another layer.
  • Kerry—Notes that Liz had first detective series, the Spider Latham series, on LDS market. How’d you intro the series?
  • Liz—You get to know the characters so well, I have more books blocked out for him, but Deseret Book isn’t interested. Plots spring to mind all over the place.

In this genre, do the ideas come from your imagination, the news, current events (national, murders)?

  • Liz—Both. You just have to start with a body, then you have to figure out how it got there and who done it.
  • JoAnn—comes somewhere inside of me, in my imagination. I think because I was on the stage a lot growing up, I could see the person that would be that character and I would become that person while I’m writing.

Is it easier to have a female protagonist or male in LDS market?

  • Josi—depends on specific genre. Cozy or basic mystery, depends on the book—in the LDS market, women buy mysteries. Male readers read a smaller genre pool than women do—fewer genres. Motivated by action, fast paced. Plenty of women readers for that, too. Go with what works best with your story. Her audience is women and they typically prefer women protags. Women are more likely to read male protags than vice versa (generalization).

Do you have a background in English and does that help?

  • Julie—I have an English teaching degree, but that doesn’t really make a difference. It’s how well you can write. Going back to Gale’s question—I get ideas everywhere. As a journalism professor, I read them everywhere.
  • Liz—I went in to Deseret Book hoping they’d want another Spider Latham. This was just as [Mark Hacking] happened, and they’d just found that he’d killed his wife. Editor said “You don’t know how many letters I get from women who marry someone they think is wonderful and he turns out to be just not, not the man they thought they married. I want you to write a book with that underlying theme.” Mr. Cory Harper—what kind of a man did she marry?
  • JoAnn—Wrote something with similar themes, had women call her to say that happened to them. Helps women understand they’re not alone.
  • Kerry—what’s your background?
  • JoAnn—stage, community theater, pretending. Artist—paint stories. High school grad. My husband is an English major, but I try to ignore him as much as possible. Came to writing through ghostwriting.
  • Liz—yes, I was an English major, but I didn’t learn how to write until I joined American Night Writers.
  • Josi—Nope, I’m completely uneducated. Salt Lake county public library system.
  • Stephanie—I majored in History, but I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learned. I think it comes down to learning to write fiction. There’s a difference between knowing the ins and outs of commas and knowing the structure and techniques of fiction. Editors and agents couldn’t care less. All they want to know is can ou write a good book
  • Josi—I wish I had a degree in English. I do think editors like to see that. They like to see they have that credential. I don’t have a college degree, and people with these do know things about the English language that I don’t. Learn about it so you can do a better job so you’re not learning as you go. But most of us are past college age. It’s okay, you can write a novel without an English degree.

Last question—Kerry: One minute each: tell the most important thing about writing:

  • JoAnn—Never quit, never give up, believe in yourself.
  • Liz—Write, write, write, write, write. And then rewrite. Less is more
  • Josi—Read a lot, keep learning, keep an open mind. there’s always something new to learn. Watch the markets, see what people are reading, stay on top of those things so you’re constantly growing. It was such a thrill for the chapter contest to see how many people that won this have been coming to this conference for years—these people are learning and applying it and improving and doing it.

  • Stephanie—Jack Bichkam? “I don’t know any writers who have failed, but I know many who have quit.” If you love it, don’t quit. Don’t edit yourself to death in your first draft. Let it happen. Give yourself permission to write a cruddy first draft. Don’t polish a chapter obsessively before going on. Get the story down and don’t be afraid of rewriting—polish it later. Don’t edit yoruself into oblivion. Study the technique. Read great books out there—read, study, practice, have fun, enjoy what you’re doing. Have fun!
  • Julie—Be willing to work hard. A lot of people think you can be a writer just because they put pen to paper. Be open to changes and suggestions. Be willing to self-edit and rewrite and put in the time.

Kerry—W. Somerset Maugham said, “There are three rules for writing a novel: unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.”

About the conference: LDStorymakers is a writing contest geared to LDS writers. The conference covers both the niche, regional publishers that cater to the LDS market as well as national publishers.

Self-editing and Revision presentation by Julie Coulter Bellon

Highlights of the presentation by Julie Coulter Bellon

CLAW—the 4 secrets for self-editing

Check off your basic editing checklist
Let someone else read it for you that will give you good feedback
Always print it out and read a hard copy
Walk away for a few hours, days or weeks and come back with fresh eyes.

Check off your basic editing checklist:
Never rely solely on your spell/grammar check (“Misspellers of the world, untie!”; see also “Always print it out and read a hard copy”). Watch your tenses and subject/verb agreement.

Avoid too many adverbs/adjectives [emphasis mine: some people read this advice without reading the examples and think you can never use adjectives or adverbs. Also note that repetitive adjectives like “green grass” below are also something to watch for]—laundry lists of description: Julie called this “the laziest writing”:

  • “It was a beautiful sunny June day and the lush, emerald green grass reflected the bright yellow sunlight and hurt my eyes.”
  • “She desperately wanted to kiss him passionately.”
    • Telling versus showing!

Shun redundancy and repetitiveness [I am HILARIOUS]—on the micro level (crutch words, using obscure/unusual words over and over, and empty words “just,” “actually,” “really,” etc.) and the macro level (do you have two chapters that serve the same function? Cut one).

Balance: break up really long paragraphs (never more than a page!!), balance narrative and dialogue. (But leave out unnecessary dialogue tags.)

Let someone else read it for you:
Get more than one brutally honest reviewer—no mothers or grandmas!

Always print it out and read a hard copy [To which I add: read it OUT LOUD.]
Changing the font can be helpful [Also helpful, from Stein on Writing: change the author’s name to one you either love or hate.]

Have a pen with you to jot down notes as you read [and also as you were writing—change a character’s backstory on page 127? Make a note of things to fix and fix them in this edit].

Walk away for a few hours, days or weeks and come back with fresh eyes
Take time to enjoy having finished. [Dance of joy!] But seriously, leave it alone—the changes will come to you.

Leaving it can also give you the emotional distance necessary to cut anything that doesn’t advance the story, even if it’s your favorite part. (Julie points out that you can put deleted scenes on your website!)

Now what?

The deep edit: down & dirty with the editor’s checklist

Looking at the big picture with the editor’s checklist:

  • Show us what your character is experiencing in that moment
  • Avoid passive voice
  • Stick to one POV per scene, please!
  • Make sure you have hooks to keep them turning pages, especially at the beginning and end of chapters
  • Does each character have a motivation? (villains, MCs, not so much a concern for secondary characters)
  • Does the setting contribute to the piece?
  • Is the story timeline consistent?
  • Does the conflict keep the tension throughout the story? (don’t resolve things too quickly)
  • Natural flow—nothing contrived [no deus ex machinas!]—to keep believability, don’t pull the rug out from underneath your readers. [That makes people throw books.]
  • Is there a balance of narrative, action and dialogue?

The drive-thru edit vs. the seven-course meal edit
The combo meal story: a string of clichéslike ordering your usual at the drive thru: you hardly have to look at the offerings anymore. It’s like an editor’s slushpile. They will spot your combo meal story a mile away.

Critique partners/readers describe it as “familiar” and “predictable.” Lots of unnecessary “fat”—characters that aren’t vital, characters that are one-dimensional, too much description, loose ends.

To fix the combo meal story: give it a twist, dig a little deeper. Expand your writing menu. Conversely, be prepared to cut extra words, descriptions, narrative, even characters, even if they’re good. Instead, use active, powerful scenes and action verbs.

On the other end of the spectrum: 7 course meal story: some of later courses smelled so good your mouth watered, but you couldn’t enjoy it because you were too full. Lots of characters, twists and turns, complexities—lots of places to lose your reader (and yourself in your editing!).

To fix the seven-course meal story: Again, cut unnecessary words, descriptions, narrative and characters. Strive for simplicity and clarity—and focus on the compelling story. Maintain a character notebook.

When do you stop editing?

  • When you’ve done CLAW and a deep edit
  • When you’ve addressed your readers’ concerns
  • When you’ve gone through it for plot, continuity and characterization and setting errors
  • When you’re sick of it.

Find a happy medium

  • enjoy what you’ve created
  • dont’ beat yourself up over mistakes [Do you get the self-referential joke I put in there? Totally on purpose 😉 ]
  • realize that the writing and editing process is a journey and some trips are longer than others.
  • Keep learning—figure out your weaknesses and now to combat them—be willing to do the work

A polished piece with an author who is still teachable is valuable to an editor, agent and publisher. [Aside from the great editing advice, the word teachable was my biggest takeaway from this session. It’s something I know I need to work on—and I guess acknowledging that is a good start!]

I put my MS back together—where do I go from here?
Pat yourself on the back, remember that writing—and editing!—can rejuvenate and SUBMIT IT!

About the conference: LDStorymakers is a writing contest geared to LDS writers. The conference covers both the niche, regional publishers that cater to the LDS market as well as national publishers.

Past progressive (imperfect) vs. passive

Our verb series continues!

Think of the differences between these examples:

She was crying. She cried.
He entered the room. She leaned toward the door, eavesdropping. He entered the room. She was leaning toward the door, eavesdropping.
He smiled at her. He was smiling at her. He was still smiling.

There are lots of books and websites out there that will tell you that the verb “was” and the construct “was [verb]ing” is passive voice. It’s not.

Can I repeat that? The construct “was [verb]ing” is NOT passive voice.

The passive voice means that the actor is not in the subject position. Instead, the thing acted upon is in the subject position. Most people can identify this:

Passive (obvious): The conversation was heard by him.

Passive (sneakier): The conversation was heard.

Active: He heard the conversation.

Note here, too, that the passive voice isn’t past tense. It’s also seen in the present tense (and all the others): The conversation is/will be/would be/could be/might be heard by him.

There are sometimes occasions when the passive voice is called for, or even necessary—to conceal the actor, or if the POV character doesn’t know who the actor is. But mostly the passive voice is awkward and thus to be avoided. (Catch the passive in there?)

The construct “was [verb]ing” is the past progressive (or imperfect) tense. (Again, it’s NOT the passive voice.) Compare the examples at the beginning of this post. How does “She was crying” differ from “She cried”? To me, “she was crying” means tears were falling. “She cried” is most likely a speech tag. If not, it almost seems like she’s done crying. Maybe my Spanish training is showing here, but can I just clarify that this is the preterite?

Note that the past progressive is necessary to show an ongoing action in the past. In the second example, when does the leaning start? In “He entered the room. She leaned . . .” the simple past tense (preterite) can indicate consecutive actions—he walks in, then she leans. In “He entered the room. She was leaning . . .” the progressive shows an ongoing action that began before the simple past action—he walks in and finds her already leaning. If you really hate the imperfect, you can rephrase this as “He found her leaning against the door, eavesdropping, when he walked in the room,” or some such.

The third example, “He smiled/was smiling/was still smiling” might have a few more shades in it. When I picture these, I see someone break into a smile for “He smiled.” “He was smiling” show someone already grinning. “He was still smiling” is a bit more specialized—we’ve already seen him begin to smile (or just smiling) . . . and he’s still at it. (Don’t you wish he’d stop?)

When using a “was [verb]ing,” be sure it’s on purpose, to generate a specific effect—and don’t overuse it, or it kills that effect. If that’s why you’re using it, and it seems to be working, don’t let anyone bully you out of it, especially if they claim it’s “passive.”

What are some other good uses for past progressive tense and passive voice?
Let me know!

The Hourglass Door by Lisa Mangum – Review

I think I’m a hard-to-please reader, but really, usually like reading just about anything, so it goes without saying that I liked The Hourglass Door by Lisa Mangum. But I didn’t just like it; I really enjoyed this book! I definitely wasn’t expecting this—I wasn’t expecting much of anything, since I got a free ARC at the LDStorymakers Conference last month, and since the beginning felt a little slow.

A young adult novel, The Hourglass Door is about Abby Edmunds. She longs to live without limits. When she falls for the handsome exchange student from Italy, Dante Alexander, however, she is introduced to a world where even time can’t hold onto her.

The writing was beautiful. I was really impressed by the visual and emotional imagery. I loved the cadences of Lisa’s writing, in particular the pattern she set early on with the paragraph “I felt so much older than seventeen. Cold and old and hollow.” The same pattern is repeated other places in the book. I felt like someone else might have thought they were repetitive, but I found them beautiful in their symmetry.

The mystery was revealed a little more slowly than I would have liked, but I kept reading. I was definitely rewarded for continuing—the mystery was deeper than I’d expected (but, thankfully, not so deep as to induce headaches, and definitely not beyond the intended audience). As I neared the last pages, I was afraid the story would end without finality, and while there’s plenty of room for the sequel, there is a pretty good sense of “The end.”

I always read with a critical eye (sigh), and there were a few things that pulled me out of the story. I keep some pretty educated company, if I do say so myself, and while I do know what it means I’ve never heard anyone use “thrall” in conversation, let alone a 17-year-old (there are really only a couple of places like this).

However, my biggest complaint was when the story skipped ahead a few weeks at a time in a couple places, the narrative summary read like . . . well, summary. I don’t mind skipping ahead a few weeks at a time at all, but in a book that deals with the nature and the fabric of time, I expected those transitions to be handled a little more smoothly.

Neither of these really bugged me that much, though, and the book’s strengths more than compensated for its weaknesses.

I’m looking forward to the sequel, The Golden Spiral, which is due out next summer. I definitely recommend this book.